Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Why I Am The Way I Am

I haven't had the best life. I was the kid in school that didn't have enough money for the really nice clothes, that was always made fun of for being fat, that was never really pretty and god was I let know that I wasn't all the time. I was also the girl in 3rd grade that had no friends because she just moved from the other coast and lost every friend she had made since she was in Kindergarten. Not to mention, when I got to high school, I was the girl that was always turned down by guys because you know I was fat and ugly, and even when I was able to land a boyfriend the relationship never worked, obviously. I'm still single. Each relationship made me colder. My first boyfriend only dated me to get to one of my closest friends at the time, and we constantly fought. My second was fine until he got sent out of the country due to the military, after that he was a depressive jerk that never really wanted to talk to me anymore. Meanwhile, during my on and off relationship with my second bf, I was also led on by another guy, who was amazing, and made me feel so special. That really hurt. My third bf well, he was ok until about 4 months into our relationship when he started making excuses not to see me and bs like that which I later like months later heard from one of my friends was because he liked someone else... WHILE WE WERE DATING! UGH! He later moved across the country and we broke up. Fourth bf, I don't have anything bad to say about him. He was absolutely amazing. Truly made me feel special, and I love him so much. We had the perfect relationship. For once I was truly happy with someone. He wasn't just my bf, he was my best friend. I told him stuff that even my best friends don't know because I trusted him that much. We broke up too, what do you know. That break up is killing me. He meant everything to me. I had something I never had with anyone else. He brought out feeling in me that I never felt for anyone else. Us breaking up killed something inside me. We've been broken up for over a month now but I still cry myself to sleep almost every night because of it, and my heart just feels empty now. Which never happened when anyone else broke up with me. Everything about the relationship and break up changed me. Some for the better, some for the worst.

That's my past. Now, I'm skinny, well, skinnier. I'm not as skinny as I'd like to be but I'm definitely not as fat as I was before and that makes me really happy. It made me more confident. Also, my most recent ex made me engrave it in my head that I'm beautiful. And we are still friends so he's still making sure I don't put myself down. I haven't put myself down in a couple weeks now though. I just recently cut my hair, started wearing it a different way, and stopped wearing makeup (also thanks to my ex, apparently I'm beautiful without it). Now, I do have friends. I have the best friends I could ever ask for. No matter how depressed I get they always find a way to cheer me up. I don't know what I'd do without them.

Now concerning my love life. I'm done. My heart cant take anymore. I'm sick of getting hurt all the time. You have to be a really amazing, caring, honest and loving person for me to even consider dating you and even then you have to break down my walls. After my last break up I became colder and I built up walls again. But my walls are much harder to break down now and you really have to prove to me that you really wanna be with me for me to even let down my guard just a little and let you in. I'm a lot stronger than I was before, but that doesn't me I'm gonna let my guard down and get hurt again.

And to all those people who made fun of me and made me feel bad all those years of school. Screw you. I'm perfectly fine with the person I am. I'm beautiful, I have an AMAZING voice, best friends who love me and confidence I never had before thanks to you. You cant put me down anymore because your words don't affect me anymore. I've learned to ignore those hurtful things you say because they aren't true.

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