Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Josh

Well. First of all I need to say today was amazing. You have no idea how happy I was earlier. I was so happy just laying in your arms this morning. <3

Now plz dont get mad at my ranting.

Babe, I know your gonna read this so I'm just gonna put it all out there. I love you! I've been in love with you since my Junior year. I've been here for 2 years now, even through those times you treated me like shit I still haven't given up on you. All the good times we've had in the past 2 years make me not wanna give up. So like I said over a week ago, I love you, I'm not going anywhere no matter what! Somehow we've made it through all the crap we've been put through in the past 2 damn years and we still fucking love each other. I'll be fucking damned if I give up on us now! Josh, you mean so fucking much to me its not even funny. You don't know how many times after you got hurt I just wanted to hold you and make you feel better. It killed me seeing you hurt after Megan broke up with you and it still kills me now knowing that you still have anger and pain because of her. You don't know it but I was so damn close to hurting her after she basically ripped your heart out. I may not have shown it but I was fucking pissed she hurt you. You can even ask my friends. They knew how much I hated seeing you in pain and how badly I wanted to hurt her for hurting you.

Speaking of my friends. Why dont you ask them how many fucking times I went to them upset, or angry or missing you just needing to talk about it. They see how much we want eachother Josh! Everyone fucking sees it. Its so painfully obvious its not even funny. Everyone knows we want eachother but yet they still dont understand why we're not together. I still dont understand why we're not together! I've been trying so hard to show you how much I wanna be with you and how much I'M NOT GONNA FUCKING HURT YOU over the past two years and you still dont fucking believe me. Joshua, I'm in love with you, I have been for 2 years and I probably will be for many more years to come. I get that you dont wanna get fucking hurt again but have you ever thought about me? I was fucking semi-suicidal after my last breakup. My last breakup killed something inside me. I laid in my bed for a month and a half everyday all day crying my eyes out. And it wasnt just because yet again I got dumped its the fact that I'm never good enough. Your the only one whose ever made me feel like I'm good enough. You dont try to fucking change me like everyone else has. You love me the way I am, and your the only one who ever has. I've always been good enough in your eyes you just havent given me the damn chance. I dont know what I have to do Josh to prove to you that I'm not gonna hurt you or leave you or anything but I'll keep fucking trying til I succeed.

You dont know but off and on over the past two years whether i've been in a relationship or not, theres been times when I've just broken down and cried. Because I fucking miss you, I miss what we had and it hurt me so much sometimes to think about you when you wont just fucking let me in and give me a chance. Yes Josh, I have songs that remind me of you and yes they make me happy, but sometimes when I hear them I just start crying because I want you. I've always wanted you. And when you blow me off or get mad at me for telling you I hate that we're not together even when we should be it makes it worse. I act so damn strong when I'm around you babe. I try so hard not to show how much it hurts me not being with you and i try so hard not to cry when we listen to songs that remind me of you and us. All that time I'm with you acting like I'm strong I'm just building up my pain so I can come home and cry my eyes out. Remember in August when we were at the park with Marissa and I just got up and walked away? It was because I was about to cry... It was either walk away or start crying in front of the both of you and I couldnt do that.

So Joshua, I get it. I really do. Your fucking terrified of being in a relationship again, so am I. Do you know how sick I am of being hurt myself. The things is, the 2 fucking people who are the least likely to hurt each other knowing all the crap the other has been through are the two people who arent together. UGH! Joshua I wanna fucking be with you. I'm not gonna hurt you. I dont care how many times I have to tell you that before you get it through your head and even how many times after that I will. Because I mean it. I love you Josh. Your the only person I've loved for this long and so help me god if I dont keep trying to be with you....

Just give me a chance babe. I wanna be with you. I love you.

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